Don't ask.

I wrote this probablyyyy about a year ago, in the middle of my first track in Fire In The Night.

I would explain what FITN is, but no one reads this anyways, therefore I don't have to.

Anyways. It's a year later and naturally, I'm back here again. Not entirely. But mostly. Nothing happens the same twice... But the concept remains.. Anyways. Enough of me talking.

It’s all circling my head right now, far far away… Like a fog around my head… Sounds, words, feelings, lost to me. I can see them all, I know what they are. I know so many things about them but they’re… Distant.

I’m waiting for that moment when they all snap back. That moment when sharp reality hits.

I’m not even sure what that reality is right now.

Pain, maybe? Or maybe it’s joy. Maybe I’m happy. Or am I depressed, and sad? Are all my fears alive and suffocating me? Am I lost and alone? Or should I feel strong and in control right now? It’s not like fear has any right to rule me.

Right?

Conflicted. That’s what I am. Pulled by freedom, pulled by captivity. A victim of one whilst still a glad recipient of the other. Happy, yet hurting.

And in feeling both, I feel neither sides of the coin. I do not, can not feel the fullness of the joy, but I am not crushed by sadness.

I know which direction I have to pull myself in. I know where I need to be going.

But I’m too numb to know how much I care right now.

What did this? What started this? None can know. A lengthy chain of events, I’m sure. But I will probably never know the beginning, the first domino to fall.

It’s all circling around my head now, far away from my consciousness. Only to touch me later in my dreams, to confuse me with its nonsense.

Sounds, pictures, colors.

People.

Memories.

Movement.

Collected into nothingness.

This is not who I am. This is not how it all started. This is not where I need to be.

This is where I make my escape.

This is the part where I run.

This is the part where I disappear, deep into the fog, praying I come out alive.

I posted this on my other blog. But only the second half of it.


So here's the whole thing. 

See,

See,

You don’t see

The Dark brings fear

But the night is light to me

Know,

Know

You can’t know

What goes on in my head

Though there’s not much to show..

Fight,

Fight,

I never learned how to fight

It wasn’t given to me to do,

It was mine to stand and hold on tight

Fall,

Fall,

And I don’t know how to fall

How to close my eyes and hold my breath

And pretend, no, know, that nothing’s wrong at all...

Things get done.

That’s just how it goes.

You have your highs, you have your lows

You deal.

You survive.

It is the strength you have as a human…. And it is not enough.

Never enough. 

You are not enough.

A truth. Something that resounds strongly in your head. 

You are not enough.

It hurts, doesn’t it? 

I know, I know it does… You are not enough.

Enough for what?

Enough to live. Enough to survive maybe but you will always break.

Enough for a day, but that’s all it would take. 

There is no way that you can stand.

You are like a sinking land.

There is no place for you to thrive.

And as you are, you know you’re not quite alive…

It’s not my problem.

It never was.

It is yours.

You are not enough. 

Pain, 

I know what that one feels like.

Inadequacy. 

Worthlessness…

You are not enough;

It is the truth.

But it is out of context. 

Standing alone, you feel the burden of knowing that the damage you take, and the damage you do, rests fully upon your shoulders.

The weight of the world.

Your world.

You can’t hold it; who the hell do you think you are to even try?

How dare you?

You pitiful creature… 

Is that what you hear?

I have.

Not like that. Not always so much melodrama.

But that is there.

The pain.

The sentiment behind it.

The knowing, deep inside, how little you are…

That feeling when you look up at the clouds and space and think of all the millions of things that surround you and are overtaking your life and suddenly…

Give up.

It is the only answer. 

Why do you even try?

A truth, again. 

You are not enough.

Why do you keep trying.

It is the truths that condemn.

It is the truths that we end up learning to deny.

This is the way it gets 

Twisted in our heads it gets

Changed around, mangled it gets

Turned around so we learn to 

Name the truth a lie and call the lies our foundation we get

Built up on everything that isn’t real.

It’s time for a change.

Guess what?

You are not enough.

Why do you keep trying?

Give up.

Let it fall where it may.

You can’t hold it up.

So.

Stop.